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Re: Is this the same Racer???

Posted by Racer on July 14, 1999, at 18:19:29

In reply to Re: Is this the same Racer???, posted by Susan on July 14, 1999, at 16:25:36

> Was the above written by the same Racer who posted so much despair last week? If so, my prayers have been answered. My question is this: What do you think made the difference from one week to the next (almost overnight.)??

Yeah, I'm the same Racer. There's not as much difference in mood as you may think, because I'm still lost in despair. It's just that I can still recognize what's going on around me and I can still write pretty lucidly.

This is what is making this depression so horrible: there's almost nothing wrong with my life, beyond the depression. My financial condition is wretched, but I'm getting by most weeks. My love life is non-existant, but I always wanted to be a nun. My social life is cut way back, because of people who have backed away because of the depression. And, of course, there are problems getting treated appropriately.

That may sound like a lot, but it's not bothering me much. Overall, I like most of my life right now. When I can work, I do something I love doing - really love doing. I get to do it my way, which has always been troublesome in the past and now is rewarded! The work I do is done for people who jump up and down and dance around me while singing my praises. I get all the recognition I could ask for. I don't feel like a bad person, or an unattractive person. In fact, I can honestly tell you that I'm more accomplished, better mannered, smarter, more knowledgeable, better with people, and better read than about three quarters of the rest of the world. I'm also quite attractive, and if I'm not movie star gorgeous, well, I've got other skills to fall back on. So my self esteem isn't low this time around, my life is full of the most satisfying things I can name, and yet I'm depressed. Not only depressed, but many nights I'm lying in bed, and suddenly get an almost overwhelming suicidal impulse.

So I sound better, but mostly because I am writing about someone else's problem rather than my own. Does that make sense? I can still see other people out there, the depression isn't isolating me that much, but when I think of myself, I think of how tired I am of all this struggle - and I forget that the 'struggle' involved is one that I love. That's the nature of the beast, isn't it? It robs us of our joys, and dresses them as horrors.




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