Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
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Pandora's Box

Posted by DL on November 30, 1998, at 23:15:16

In reply to Re: Relax, posted by Toby on November 30, 1998, at 9:07:39

Don't know if this will post since the end of the month archiving may be in process...

> To learn to relax after a lifetime of being ready at a moments notice to do battle or fix a crisis (that may never materialize) or do someone's bidding.... Boy, you expect a lot from yourself in a short time.

Yes...........But I guess I needed someone to tell me that in black and white. I just want to find peace.....I think even my misguided efforts in the last years have been striving for that. I wouldn't be surprised if I had totally depleted my adrenals from the way I have been living. I will find a way to factor in pure peaceful time each week. Perhaps I must go somewhere away from the papers and reminders of things to do. It is too bad that I must practice and learn to have the peace I need so badly. It sort of feels like I need a jump start or another set of glasses to wear for a while. It's sort of like being in a cocoon--all the nature books show pictures of something beautiful to expect, but you have to get out of the cocoon first----

For humans to change the way they feel, the behaviors almost always have to change first and then the feelings follow. It's almost never the other way around

I think I will post that on my fridge. Thank you.

> As for "taking" someone's time... no one can do that. Time is given, not taken

Another good one for the fridge.....

QUESTION: When AD's are used for OCD, are they usually used in higher doses?

I am sure my father is in this category somewhere. And my younger sister who lives in GA told me a year ago that she is OCD--never saw anyone for it but she has struggled with it since highschool. Her daughter has trouble with it also. My sister told me she would have to count the stairs in a certain way and step on them in a certain pattern or she would have to start all over again. ANd when she went to bed she had to say certain things over in a certain way or would have to repeat them over and over. She also could not hand in a school paper with an erasure. She would copy over the whole thing each time (back when no computers!]. When I first shared with anyone about my mental health she wrote this back. I felt terrible since I was in college at this time but did not notice anything. She said it got so bad that she considered finding a way to die a few times. At the same time she knew nothing of the pain in my adult life. We were all trained very well to hide things from the world.

It seems like there is some kind of genetic thing at work here in my family--combined with a dysfunctional upbringing.


Should I increase the REmeron from 30mg to see if it will decrease the weight thing etc, or leave it alone?

The house is truly gone now. The closing was this morning. It was not easy to give away the house where my last son was born, but I figure I will give away some bad ghosts too....The worst part was paying my husband $5000 towards his credit card debt as part of our mediation agreement. I didn't show it but I'm still angry inside because he built it up buying toys and gambling...At one time I typed a document that read "I hate you because----" and filled each line in with something different--it went on for 5 pages. I was going to give it to him after the divorce hearing but don't think I will now. The anger is still there but I don't want to cause anymore pain for anyone and would feel guilty. He never would talk to me about the terrible times so I couldn't process it.

And, sometimes I find that there are still things hiding in the recesses of Pandora's box--and I don't know what to do with them----they knaw at me till my soul bleeds. -No one knows me here so I will brave getting one out in the open. Here goes: 15 years ago there was a beautiful baby created and I snuffed it out. My husband was an active alcoholic then and the bank sent armed men to take the car because he was drinking all the money. I was home with 3 little children and working nights. I worried all the time I worked since I knew he was drinking. There was no money, I was afraid all the time. I knew I could not bring another life into that. He didn't even come in with me--he didn't even cook dinner after. I went to work the next day. I hated myself and the war inside was terrible. But it is in the past now. But I can't even type about it without rocking back and forth and crying. God, I love babies. I have no idea how to resolve such things as this that are down in the corners of that box.




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