Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
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A good idea

Posted by DL on November 9, 1998, at 21:10:59

In reply to Re: Confusion/life moving too fast, posted by Toby on November 9, 1998, at 14:41:16

You know, I haven't gone to church for many years. But when you mentioned praying it brought up images of a church years ago with high stained glass windows with sun coming through and that big empty quite/peaceful feel. I don't know where it was or when because my experiences with church have not been peaceful.

Church is another part of my life touched by my father. Haven't thought about it in a long time. We were told we had to go to church as children. Everytime we moved it was a different type of church. When I was in high school he made us walk to churchschool. I was the oldest in the Sunday school and kids in highschool made fun of me because I still went. Then we had to wait and go to church after. The minister was terrifying--fire and brimstone type. His voice thundered out and scared me and always talked of what sinners humans were. When I had to be alone with him once at choir practice I was terrified--also when we left church and I had to shake his hand I would be shaking. He adopted a teenager who was scarred from a facial burn injury--he went to school with me. One night the boy went after them with a knife, set a fire at the house and raced away in their car. He was found and sentenced to jail. I never forgot that.

I never went to church after I left home and went to college. But if I could give up some of my troubles to someone else to take care of it would be nice.

I remember now where that chruch was--about 2 1/2 years ago a friend's teenaged son died of bone cancer. I went to a beautiful church to his memorial ceremony. I think I was building up to the depression level that sent me for help. I remember that when it was "OK" to cry at the service I started and could not stop for hours after I had come home. I had not cried for ages and was pretty desperate inside. I could not understand why I couldn't stop. It was not until I had almost given up on life and went in for help that I was able to cry. I think I thought if I did let go and cry I would fall apart and end up in a hospital....

My family has been helping me. I feel bad letting them pay for things. My mother offered to get new tires for my car (no tread left) and my sister offered to get a new mattress for my bed in the new place. I have slipped back some into the shroud of anxiety/depression. At first I felt triumphant and powerful and in charge when I signed the apartment lease. Then as the reality of costs and giving away/throwing out so many things that are a part of my role as "mom" in the past hit I started to run in the fear mode again. I am feeling a lot of mood swing.

Sorry to write so much. It is helping me. I learn about myself if I just take off with the keyboard and then read back.

Even though I still sleep well, I am feeling some of the drowsiness I felt when the Remeron dose was smaller. I never changed the timing of the dose. It was easier to take it at night but maybe I could try that. Also the prescription company for Health Ins (Maxor Plus) had a mix up and the compounded hormone script was not refilled. I have been working on it by phone but it ran out so I was taking half the dose and now it has run out. So that may be playing into this too.

I have thought about what I want to do. I have never had a vacation....When I am on my own I want to save up and go somewhere beautiful....

Thank you for your ideas. Perhaps I will quietly join a chruch service. I find myself tearing up thinking about it and I don't know why. I think I might break down there like I did before....There are still a lot of things about me I can't see into and understand.

When I am on the downswing I picture myself wanting to be in a place like the beautiful church--all alone--no sound--safe--peaceful--no anxiety--no yelling--no fear--drifting off and floating..(does this sound like I'm crazy?--because it sounds that way to me)




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