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Re: Major vent here, nothing more

Posted by Betsy on May 10, 1999, at 15:42:05

In reply to Re: Major vent here, nothing more, posted by C on May 9, 1999, at 13:51:05

> This has to be the worst mothers day ever. My first one he
>forgot I was one and now he just wants to argue. I swear, he
>made a commitment not to let me enjoy just one of these days.
> ...
>Instead he wants me to stay in and clean. I admit, the house is
>upside down. I honestly cannot get myself to do much. It never
>gets noticed, just the messes do.

It sounds to me like you need to see someone to talk about issues
about your self-worth. If its mother's day and he wants the house
cleaned, then HE should clean it. Its YOUR day. And don't let him
give you any baloney (not the first word I typed!) about his working
a full-time job. You work more than full-time at a job too. If he
doesn't see that then the problem is with him, and not with you.

You have a RIGHT to a life. And you have to learn to stand up for
yourself and let him know that. You're more than a mother and a wife.
You're a person in your own right.

>With my husband outside with the kids right now, all I can think
>about is how many pills would it take to do it right? God! I feel
>so guilty because I am a mother, these things should NOT be going
>through my head. How do you all force yourself into life and to
>keep going? Just talking when I need to in the house to anyone is
>taking so much effort.

First of all, stop "shoulding" yourself. Being a mother has nothing
to do with what you should and shouldn't be thinking. Does your husband
know that you've got these thoughts? Does he help you, is he supportive?
It seems like a lot of what you write is about what he doesn't do, or what
he wants from you, or what he doesn't let you do. Perhaps you need to
go to therapy with him, and help him see that you work just as hard, if
not harder, than he does and that you need to be an individual, you need
a couple of hours off from your job each day.

Ask him what he would think if his boss asked him to be in the office
24 hours a day 7 days a week. Because that's what he's asking of you.
And he's not your boss - he's *supposed* to be your partner.

>I know going off my meds didn't help but I couldn't stand being so tired all the time.

How about changing meds, to one that doesn't have that side-effect?

>I know I am going to hear about it later but I am off to try and show the kids a good time
>at a fun place nearby.

Good for you! And ignore what he has to say about it. Your life is YOURS, not his.
Take it back!

>I felt ready to break down this morning at brunch. My husband barely said two words
>to me and then we came straight home after that and church because he wanted to tidy
>up. Ya right, he woke up from a nap nearly two hours after getting in the door. I feel
>like such a doormat.

Whine to him that he said he was going to tidy up and he didn't. See how he likes it.
You go take a nap.

>What's worse is we are broke and I was checking the paper for a job (one for nights so
>I won't have to put the kids in daycare)and I realized that I am not qualified for
>anything in my area at all.

What about secretarial stuff? You can obviously type.

I hope things are looking better today - but again, remember that you have a right
to a life of your own, and that marriage is not a dictatorship but rather a partnership.

Go get some help - even if its at a service for women somewhere. Abuse comes in many
forms - not just beatings. If he's always whining and putting you down and you feel like
a doormat or a prisioner in your own home, women's services can perhaps help you either
with a therapist or a support group in your area.

Good luck!





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