Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
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Re: What is "normal?"

Posted by cait on March 31, 1999, at 20:12:05

In reply to Re: What is "normal?", posted by Daniel on March 31, 1999, at 12:52:57

I don't know why I feel "relieved" that other people have experienced those thoughts and emotions that for so many years have alienated me from most social contact. I guess I began experiencing the "I'm different (what's wrong with me)" thoughts/feelings around the age of 12 or 13, and here I am at the age of 43 with the same thoughts! Somewhere along the way I must have decided that I would always be "different."
True, other people would say "not normal," but let's be kind here and use "different" :-)

Well, I can't tell you how many times I have cried out for a helping hand to draw me nearer to the shore. Some of those helping hands have kindly guided me through some serious obstacles and helped me stay afloat. Other helping hands have left a jagged hole where they touched my life. Imagine the feeling of trying to pick up pieces of yourself or trying to plug up the holes so that you can survive to the next day, just in case there is a reason to live. How can anybody ever be whole again after family, therapists, psychiatrists, friends have touched you with their healing/shattering hands. Electroshock therapy, antidepressants, mood elavators, LSD, pot, cocaine, alcohol--put it all together, shake it up, and what have you got? One pretty sad person.

PLEASE don't trust just anybody. Get recommendations from several sources, and have a second source who can help you figure out if you ARE getting the proper help from "therapy." The anguish I feel when I think back on some of those helping hands. There should be a special hell for those people--I doubt that I will ever be able to let go of the horror of where they led me. Did I go willingly? Sometimes, yes; sometimes, no. Am I responsible for where I am today? Well, who else COULD be! So, not only am I still messed up, but I also blame myself. And in addition to that, I am TERRIFIED of seeking professional help again. Last time I did that--about a year and a half ago--the doctor called me at home at 2:30 AM because she realized (some 14 hours after our meeting) that I had told her that I was afraid for myself. I was impressed that she actually called me, but I also was disappointed that she didn't hear me WHILE I was speaking to her. It had taken me weeks to get the courage to even seek help. Well, I tried the drug therapy, but I've been that way too many times.

Now the threads that hold me together are the very heavy threads of responsibility. Funny how those of us who so need love and understanding can end up being the Caregiver. It is easy to know how to love and take care of someone when you know yourself what love and compassion can bring to a life. If not on the receiving end, at least I have finally found a way to be a part of the circle by being on the giving end.




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